Hi, I'm cranky.

This was the inevitable start to this particular new project of mine.

Late at night, procrastinating going to sleep to forestall waking up and going to work. If you are here, then that means that you've probably guessed that I am a coffee barista. And a darn cranky one at that.

If you think it's unfair, or that I shouldn't complain, then you're right. It could be worse, I could be asking "do you want fries with that?"  or cleaning up vomit, or I could mattress salesman. But you've never had to face a wall of 573,000 cranky, high-maintenance, caffeine deprived "individuals" who insist on asserting their individuality through their beverages, now have you?  Particularly when it's just you and your faithful manager and friend to face the hoards... some of which don't speak a word of english.

And one lone espresso machine that is probably part of skynet.


It can do things to a girl. Or even me.

Some of it has to do with the air of extreme pretentiousness that comes from working at a coffee shop. Talk to any regular coffee patron and you'll get the picture. The rasta-type guy that orders chai or anything that has the word 'organic' or 'fair-trade' or 'soy' or (God forbid) any combination thereof. Or the acoustic/hippie chick-

The one that starts arguements about the value of soy and why I don't drink it and how I'm evil because I drink cow milk. I am not one to be swayed simply because your dress is organic and you can french-braid your armpit hair.I know you can, I can see it from here.

For all I know your 'organic' dress could be 50% poison ivy  35% manure 10% panda and 5% manatee. I go by the literal definition of organic in that it contains carbon, or did at some point. In which case my cotton-poly blend apron is also organic, as is my distaste of your opinion. I do, in fact, have some valid counter-arguments. Not that you'd listen to anyone in a ball cap (sadly, I can't blame you there)

too much soy is bad for you (hur-dur-dur)

So, get your drink, get out of here and please have a nice day :) we hope to see you again soon!!!11!11!wtf!!!1! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

To the soy nuts that come through (catch that bad joke back there?) I always wish them the best with their fertility issues. For some reason they seem to take that poorly. No idea why.


So, strap yourselves in, this is going to be a long and bumpy ride.
Espresso shot?